Oscar and the Mean Machine

Okay, so let me preface this little fictional tale with the nonfiction aspects of it. First of all, I have a nine year old cat, Oscar, who is a little beyond "skittish." By saying he's "skittish," we could say that Wilt Chamberlain claimed to be a ladies man. We got him at the local shelter when he was two, and though he's come out of his shell considerably, he's still extremely wary of quick movements or loud children.
































Oscar has a toy that he simply adores. By saying he adores it, I mean it's pretty much the only toy he will play with. I used to buy them at Albertson's when I worked there, but they've since stopped carrying them. Oscar went without said toy for several years until one day, I found them for sale on Amazon.com!

Since I knew about Oscar's love of these toys, I bought 20 of them and had them shipped to me ASAP.

As you can see, these are quite the delightful assortment of heterogeneous toys for my feline friend, and he loves them with all his heart.


...and now without further adieu....

Oscar and the Mean Machine

(July 2007)

Blinding headlight on, rough and tough brush rotating, engine blaring, rumbling the floor…noise, noise, noise! He’s coming now!

I have to find a place to hide!

Back and forth, back and forth, he’s dragging Mandy through the house! He only stops once his tail comes off the wall!

Have you ever had to hide from the big blue Mean Machine?

This guy is vicious! He eats everything in his path with his gianormous mouth! I never know when he will be out, ready to feast! He comes out about once a week, sometimes more, and rips through the house, dragging a frazzled Mandy behind him!

Sometimes, even after his tail is off the wall and its all wound up, he still drags Mandy up or down the stairs and hallways. He can even find his way back to the wall with his tail and headlight back on, brush churning and engine rumbling.

When he is rumbling and moving the carpet all around, he eats everything in his path! I saw Mean Machine eat my friend Slinky Snake Toy with the bright beads and fun bell! I was upset—poor Slinky Snake, trapped inside Mean Machine’s mouth! Mandy was struggling to break free from Mean Machine’s pull to rescue him, but Mandy was able to get away from Mean Machine and retrieve Slinky Snake from his grip. Oh My! Slinky Snake was a pathetic sight indeed! His weak tinkling bell’s sweet sound was drowned out by the deafening roar of Mean Machine.

He emerged: tangled, mangled, sprung. My good friend Slinky Snake lost a lot of beads in that awful carnage, and his golden threads were snagged. Mean Machine saw the frightened look in my eyes, and exclaimed, “I will get you, Oscar Cat!” and then he laughed his terrible, mean laugh.

Since Mean Machine said he would get me, I’ve been terrified. What if Mean Machine gets my tail? It sure would hurt, and I am sure it would harm my beautiful tail stripes. I have to run from him!

I have hiding places all over the house, one in every room. I am really good at tricking big dumb Mean Machine; to each hiding place I zoom!

I hide under the beds. I hide under the futon. I hide under plants on tables in corners.

I frantically claw and paw at the door to the closet until I can open it. After I get in, I burrow down in the corner. I burrow behind the clothes. I burrow until he finds me there.

When he does find me, rampaging toward me pushing shoes aside, I bolt out of there and down the stairs. If I can, I will hide in the closet under the stairs. He won’t find me there. He will not fit. I hide in there, cover my eyes, bite my claws, and shed a lot of extra fur.

I hide even after Mean Machine has been quiet for hours. I don’t want to take any chances. Mandy always calls and calls for me, tells me it is safe. Even after her assurance, I hide.

The overhead rumbling goes on for what seems like hours! Mandy must be exhausted after she is done being dragged through the house! After Mean Machine gets his tail off the wall, Mandy is dragged back down the stairs. Mean Machine takes Mandy into the laundry room…my laundry room! He nestles himself near the furnace, far from my food, water and litter box. As long as he is napping, I am safe. He eyes don’t light up. His brush doesn’t rumble. His mouth doesn’t eat anything.

Instead, he sleeps days, sometimes even weeks at a time. People say I sleep a lot, but Mean Machine sleeps more than me. Cats sleep for hours and hours a day so we can save our energy to hunt.

Slinky Snake recovered from Mean Machine’s attack. Slinky said that Mean Machine wanted to eat him, to devour him. Slinky Snake has joined my partnership in hiding from Mean Machine’s terrible mouth.

Mean Machine sleeps for days and weeks because he is so destructive. All creatures need to hide or they will be devoured by Mean Machine!

...so Oscar loves his toys, and hates the vacuum.